You No Longer Need A Paddle

For the first time since the 1820s, the level of liquid flowing through Schitt Creek is at an all time low. Schitt Creek will no longer float your boat, or anyone elses. In fact scientists are saying it could be decades before anyone will actually need a paddle to get up Schitt Creek. The Army Corp of Engineers spokeman, Bernard Flapdoodle, says they have several ideas that could get the Schitt flowing freely again if the state approves their recomendations. Governor Curtis Goatheart reports he is willing to squeeze a chunk of money from the budget if it will get more floaters on the Schitt this summer.